A spiritual teacher’s journey to the void and back

I haven’t written in a while. The reason for this is because I have been exploring in my consciousness a place where all the voices in my head quiet and dwindle into one stream of muffled chatter. It’s the place of the monad, where all multidimensional existences come into one. I’ve been wondering for a while “who I am”. I’ve been jumping to one consciousness to another, remembering one life after another, calling myself many names. It came with a variety of personality and energetic signatures as well. I explored very male and “light” parts of me. Parts of me that wanted to serve, overcome and be righteous. Then I remembered my other half, the organic priestess in the shadows. The one that speaks of the Earth, of sex, of decay. The one that waits and observe. I love them all so much for they are all my voices. One is out to conquer the world, the other to nourish and be nourished. In that place where all comes into one I feel at peace. There is no drive in me to accomplish anything. Just a desire to be, to exist and to create in a very pure and direct way. To simply express.


In that place I feel a string above connecting me straight to source and for the first time in a while I feel Joy. I find equanimity for the hurts of the world. I find purpose without doing and i find perfection. Not a conceptual perfection that needs to be achieved or “worked at”, just inherent perfection. I feel full and complete, not yearning for any twin flames or soulmates for they are all within me. I don’t care for ascension, for galactic wars, for symbols, signs and astrology. I don’t care for self help books. I look at my crystals and love and thank them but I don’t feel they belong to me anymore. They’re are just “there” for me to appreciate. Same goes for my house, my cats, my clothes and everything that I “own”.


When i look below i see countless strings linking me to my numerous incarnations of the past, present and future, Galactic and Earth bound, of all genders and forms. Some I can access and “step into”. Some are locked away from my perception but it doesn’t matter now. If I want I can experience reality from their awareness, gaining insights and information, eons of knowledge piled into one giant inner library. Discovering that stream of knowing was certainly confusing at times. My many voices wanted to be heard. While channeling and “teaching” others I would provide myself with the framework I needed for my personal expansion and integration. For a while i worked on the threshold, passing souls through the door but then realizing that I have no interest in coaching them furthermore. I therefore salute and thank all the teachers with the calling, the patience and dedication to do so. Many of you, incarnated and disincarnated, helped me out on the path. I understood for myself that you cannot teach anyone how to spiritually reconnect. You can only show the way. And oh the mind loves its symbols and processes : it hates that things can be so simple. There is definite value in the “many things” of maya but I just cannot dwell in it anymore. I am leaving my spot at the door for someone else to step in and hold it, to be of service In my place. I’ll be the one enjoying the show for a while.


Now that I stopped asking “who I am” i started to ask myself “what now”. Because being in a space of almost instant manifestation without any definite desire left me la little bitter for a bit. So much potential and nothing to channel it into. I know I need to live from that monadic consciousness (and obviously falling in an out of it for a while. You know. Traffic jams, bills to pay and whatnot. A little more healing, a little more karma to clear) and bring it into the world but when I tune into it ask what I should do, it laughs softly and answers “nothing”. And so there is nothing to do. Nothing to save, nothing to change. Just pure experience, pure creation and expression. I see that in Presence and Attention is true service to God. I believe that’s what true spiritual Bliss and Joy is about. Not that other thing, not that Kundalini ecstasy that lasts for a minute and leave you face down on the ground. It’s more of a fleeting feeling for me at the moment : a very fine line to balance between nihilism and fanaticism. We know then we forget, then we remember, then we forget to better remember once more. And so it is. Back to contemplate my budding lotus.


With all my love,


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