A SAFE PLACE
It all started with getting so fed up with my daily job. Again. That job that I thought was my life's calling - creating pretty pictures day in and day out - and radically deciding to express the raging thoughts inside my head. Committing to this fully might be the only way I'll ever feel alive.
To me finding my voice is a massive struggle. Because existence is a struggle and I always felt that my creation was lacking depth. For days I asked myself : what do I have to bring to the world? What is the one thing I truly have to offer?
I had to connect inside. I know that when I close my eyes and stop to think, I get insights and answers. I know I have stories to tell. Stories of things I lived and seen with my physical eyes and stories that I lived in my mind’s eye, in strange landscapes, in even stranger times. Whether this is “real” or not is not the point.
Committing to find my voice sounds like an awesome idea. In truth, I’ve never felt so terrorized in my life. Writing is safe. Drawing is safe. Rehearsing circular thoughts in my head over and over is safe. Putting myself out in the world is definitely not. This is why I've been hiding. At least for a while.
I think that in order to really know yourself you have to push a great deal of boundaries, stretching and ripping apart all the layers of self that confines you. Bit by bit you expand, pushing through that fear with all your cells because deep down and despite all the pain you know its the most exhilarating thing you've ever done. The only thing that makes you feel alive so much that, even if you die tomorrow, at least you didn't die wrapped up in fear and entangled beliefs. You would die seeking your Truth, scraping your limbs, scorching your face and prevailing one challenge at the time, unsafely becoming a target of all judgments and opinions, so the "world" may benefit from your tears and blood somehow maybe.
But above all you'll take the risk because you need to Know. Because nothing is worth living for if not for that knowing of ultimate hows and whys. In order embrace existence and paradox and "reality" a little more. Its like : know yourself or die trying. which is what is gonna happen anyway.
What makes us think that we’re EVER safe anyway? I think that being alive is the most unsafe thing I've ever done. Yet It’s time for me to get out of this shell.